Forty-Day Journey
Celebration, Testimonies, Review, Certificates, Dedication Prayer, and Fellowship
This progression works remarkably well because it moves from “How do I love?” (patience and kindness) to “How do I stay in love?” (faithfulness, forgiveness, sacrifice) and finally to “How do I build a Christ-centered covenant relationship for life?” (God’s Word, prayer, endurance, and covenant love).
Appendix 1 – 4
APPENDIX I — LEADING YOUR HEART
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Proverbs 4:23 KJV
PURPOSE
One of the greatest lessons we can learn in marriage is that our heart needs leadership.
The world often tells us, “Follow your heart.” But the Bible warns us that our feelings cannot always be trusted.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
— Jeremiah 17:9 KJV
There will be days in marriage when you feel deeply in love, and there may be days when those feelings are not nearly as strong. Biblical love, however, is greater than an emotion. Love is a commitment that produces actions.
You cannot always control the first emotion that enters your heart, but with God’s help, you can determine where you allow your heart to go.
1. DON’T LET YOUR HEART LEAD YOU
Our feelings are real, but they are not always reliable.
If we allow feelings alone to direct our marriage, we may begin making permanent decisions based upon temporary emotions.
You may feel hurt.
You may feel disappointed.
You may feel neglected.
You may even feel that the love you once had has disappeared.
But feelings are not the final authority.
God’s Word is.
Jesus said:
“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
— Matthew 6:21 KJV
Notice the order. Jesus did not say, “Where your heart is, your treasure will follow.”
He said that your heart follows your treasure.
Begin investing your time, attention, affection, prayer, forgiveness, and energy into your marriage, and your heart can begin following that investment.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
Don’t merely follow your heart—lead your heart toward your spouse and toward Christ.
2. GUARD YOUR HEART
Proverbs 4:23 says:
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Marriage requires us to guard our hearts.
That means guarding against:
- bitterness,
- resentment,
- comparison,
- inappropriate relationships,
- lust,
- unforgiveness,
- selfishness,
- and anything else that begins drawing our affection away from our spouse.
Little things left unattended can eventually become large things.
A small disappointment can become resentment.
Resentment can become distance.
Distance can become coldness.
And coldness can eventually make room for temptation.
That is why God tells us to keep our hearts with all diligence.
Protect what God has entrusted to you.
3. DIRECT YOUR HEART BACK HOME
There may be times when a husband or wife realizes:
“My heart isn’t where it used to be.”
That does not automatically mean the marriage is finished.
It means something needs attention.
Instead of waiting until you feel differently, begin doing the things that biblical love does.
Pray for your spouse.
Serve your spouse.
Encourage your spouse.
Listen to your spouse.
Spend time with your spouse.
Forgive your spouse.
Thank God for your spouse.
Sometimes loving actions must come before loving feelings return.
Remember what Scripture says:
“And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.”
— Colossians 3:14 KJV
Notice those words: “put on charity.”
Biblical love is something we deliberately choose to practice.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Ask yourself:
Where has my heart been going lately?
Have I been concentrating primarily on my spouse’s faults?
Have I been comparing my marriage with someone else’s?
Have work, hobbies, entertainment, social media, or other relationships received attention that should have been invested in my marriage?
Have I stopped doing the little things that once communicated love?
And perhaps the most important question:
Am I asking Jesus Christ to lead my heart?
A heart surrendered to Christ is better prepared to love a spouse properly.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
This week, deliberately lead your heart toward your spouse.
Do three things:
1. PRAY — Pray specifically for your spouse every day.
2. PRAISE — Tell your spouse something you genuinely appreciate about them.
3. PURSUE — Do something intentional that communicates, “You still matter to me.”
Don’t wait for the feeling.
Choose the action of love and allow your heart to follow.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
“What is one thing I could begin doing that would help you feel more loved, valued, and important to me?”
Listen to your spouse’s answer without becoming defensive.
Don’t explain.
Don’t argue.
Listen—and learn their heart.
REMEMBER THIS
Your heart is too important to leave unattended.
Don’t allow circumstances, disappointments, temptations, or changing emotions to determine the direction of your marriage.
Guard your heart.
Lead your heart.
Give your heart to Christ.
And continually direct your heart back toward the person you promised before God to love.
D — DEVOTE
Put Jesus Christ first.
A — ABIDE
Stay close to Christ so His love can flow through you.
R — RESPECT
Guard your heart and honor your spouse.
E — ENCOURAGE
Intentionally build up the person God has placed beside you.
FINAL THOUGHT
You may not always be able to tell your heart what to feel, but through the grace of God, you can teach your heart where to go.
Don’t just follow your heart.
Lead it toward Christ.
Lead it toward your covenant.
Lead it home.
APPENDIX II — 20 QUESTIONS FOR YOUR SPOUSE
“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
James 1:19 KJV
PURPOSE
One of the dangers in marriage is reaching the place where we think, “I already know everything there is to know about my spouse.”
But people grow. Responsibilities change. Dreams change. Fears arise. New pressures come into our lives.
The husband or wife you married years ago is still the same person—but life has continued shaping them.
That means a healthy marriage requires us to keep learning one another.
These questions are not intended to be an interrogation or a test. They are conversation starters designed to help husbands and wives slow down, listen, laugh, remember, dream, and discover what may be happening in one another’s hearts.
1. NEVER STOP BEING A STUDENT OF YOUR SPOUSE
When you were dating, you probably asked many questions.
What do you like?
Where would you like to go?
What makes you happy?
What are your dreams?
Then marriage comes.
Work comes.
Children come.
Bills come.
Responsibilities come.
And sometimes meaningful conversation gets replaced with:
“Did you pay that bill?”
“What time will you be home?”
“What’s for supper?”
“Who is picking up the kids?”
Those conversations are necessary—but a marriage needs something deeper.
Your spouse needs to know:
“You still interest me.”
2. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND, NOT JUST TO ANSWER
The Bible says:
“He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
— Proverbs 18:13 KJV
Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse.
Sometimes your husband or wife doesn’t need you to fix the problem.
They need you to hear their heart.
Don’t prepare your defense while your spouse is talking.
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t immediately correct every detail.
Don’t turn their answer into an argument.
Listen carefully enough that you can understand what they are trying to communicate.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
Good communication isn’t merely learning how to talk—it is learning how to listen.
3. ASK QUESTIONS THAT OPEN THE HEART
Use the following questions as conversation starters. You do not have to answer all twenty at once.
Take your time.
Have some fun with them.
You may be surprised by what you learn.
20 QUESTIONS FOR YOUR SPOUSE
- What is one of your favorite memories of us?
- What first attracted you to me?
- What makes you feel most loved by me?
- What is something I do that makes you feel appreciated?
- What is one thing we used to do together that you would enjoy doing again?
- What has been causing you the most stress lately?
- Is there something you have been worried about that we haven’t talked about?
- What can I do to make your responsibilities a little easier?
- What is something you wish we did together more often?
- What is one of your favorite things about our marriage?
- What is something you admire about me?
- What is one area where you would like us to grow as a couple?
- What makes you feel closest to me?
- What is one dream you still have for our future?
- Where would you enjoy going together if we could take a trip anywhere?
- What is one thing you would like us to pray about together?
- How can I better encourage you spiritually?
- Is there something you need from me that you have had difficulty expressing?
- What would make our home a happier and more peaceful place?
- What can I do this week that would communicate, “I love you”?
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Don’t rush through these questions simply to say you finished them.
The purpose isn’t completing twenty questions.
The purpose is discovering one heart.
Choose two or three questions at a time.
Put away the phones.
Turn off the television.
Sit somewhere comfortable.
Then talk.
And when your spouse answers, resist the temptation to immediately tell your side of the story.
Instead, you might simply say:
“Tell me more about that.”
Those few words can open the door to a conversation you haven’t had in years.
DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE ANSWER
Some answers may make you smile.
Some may surprise you.
Some might hurt a little.
Your spouse may identify an area where they feel neglected or misunderstood.
Don’t immediately become defensive.
Remember:
The goal isn’t proving who is right.
The goal is understanding the person you love.
Proverbs 15:1 says:
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
Approach difficult conversations with humility, grace, and love.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
Set aside 30 minutes this week with no television, phones, or unnecessary interruptions.
Choose five questions from this appendix.
Take turns answering them.
While your spouse is answering:
Don’t interrupt.
Don’t correct.
Don’t defend.
Listen.
When you finish, each spouse should say:
“One thing I learned about you tonight is…”
Then pray together.
Thank God for your spouse and ask Him to help you continue growing closer to one another.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask each other:
“Do you feel that I really listen when you talk to me? What could I do to become a better listener?”
Be gracious with the answer.
This is not an opportunity to attack.
It is an opportunity to grow.
REMEMBER THIS
Marriage should never reach the place where curiosity disappears.
Keep asking.
Keep listening.
Keep learning.
Keep discovering.
The person sitting across from you isn’t merely the person you married years ago.
They are someone God has given you the privilege of continuing to know.
D — DEVOTE
Let Christ shape the way you communicate.
A — ABIDE
Stay close to Christ so His patience and grace govern your conversations.
R — RESPECT
Listen carefully and value what your spouse has to say.
E — ENCOURAGE
Use your words to strengthen rather than tear down.
FINAL THOUGHT
One of the greatest ways to say “I love you” is sometimes to stop talking long enough to hear what the person you love has been trying to tell you.
Never stop talking.
Never stop listening.
Never stop learning.
Never stop discovering the heart of your spouse.
APPENDIX III — HOW TO PRAY TOGETHER
“Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.”
Matthew 18:19 KJV
PURPOSE
There are many things a husband and wife can do together.
They can eat together.
Work together.
Travel together.
Raise children together.
Laugh together.
Cry together.
But one of the most powerful things a married couple can ever learn to do is pray together.
Prayer brings two hearts before the same God.
When a husband and wife bow together in prayer, they are acknowledging:
“Lord, our marriage needs You.”
A Christ-centered marriage cannot be built merely upon human determination. We need the wisdom, strength, forgiveness, patience, and grace that only God can provide.
1. BEGIN SIMPLY
Some couples are uncomfortable praying together because they don’t know what to say.
Perhaps one spouse is accustomed to praying aloud while the other is not.
Don’t allow that to stop you.
Prayer is not a performance.
You don’t have to sound like a preacher.
You don’t need impressive words.
Jesus said:
“But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.”
— Matthew 6:7 KJV
God is interested in your heart, not the length or eloquence of your prayer.
Begin simply.
“Lord, thank You for my husband.”
“Lord, thank You for my wife.”
“Help us today.”
“Give us wisdom.”
“Protect our family.”
“Help us love each other as You would have us to.”
Sometimes the simplest prayers are the most sincere.
2. MAKE PRAYER A SAFE PLACE
Prayer should never become a weapon against your spouse.
Don’t pray something like:
“Lord, please show my husband how wrong he is.”
Or:
“Lord, please straighten my wife out.”
That isn’t praying with your spouse.
That is preaching at your spouse with your eyes closed!
Prayer should be a place where both husband and wife feel safe coming before God.
Pray for your own heart.
Pray for your spouse’s needs.
Pray for your marriage.
Pray for your children and family.
Pray for God’s direction.
And when there has been conflict, prayer can help soften hearts that have become hard.
3. PRAY WITH HUMILITY
One of the most powerful prayers a spouse can hear is:
“Lord, forgive me where I have failed.”
It is difficult to remain proud when you are sincerely bowing before Almighty God.
James 4:10 says:
“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.”
Prayer reminds us that neither husband nor wife has all the answers.
We both need God.
We both need grace.
We both need forgiveness.
We both need wisdom.
We both need to grow.
A praying marriage is not a perfect marriage.
It is a marriage that knows where to go when it isn’t perfect.
4. PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING
Philippians 4:6 says:
“Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
Notice those words:
“In every thing.”
Bring your marriage before God.
Pray about:
- your relationship with Christ,
- your marriage,
- your children,
- your finances,
- your work,
- important decisions,
- physical and emotional needs,
- temptations,
- fears and worries,
- extended family,
- your church,
- people who need Christ,
- and your future together.
Nothing affecting your marriage is too small to bring before God.
5. PRAY WITH THANKSGIVING
Don’t let every prayer together become a list of problems.
Thank God.
Thank Him for salvation.
Thank Him for your home.
Thank Him for His provision.
Thank Him for answered prayers.
And especially:
Thank God for your spouse while your spouse can hear you.
Imagine the encouragement of hearing your husband pray:
“Lord, thank You for giving me my wife.”
Or hearing your wife say:
“Lord, thank You for my husband and the ways he cares for our family.”
There is something powerful about hearing the person you love thank God for you.
6. PRAY EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT
There will be times when prayer comes easily.
There may also be times when you’ve had an argument and praying together feels awkward.
Those may be the moments when you need prayer the most.
Ephesians 4:26 says:
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
You may not solve every disagreement before bedtime.
But you can refuse to allow bitterness to take root.
Sometimes a simple prayer is enough:
“Lord, we’re hurting right now. Help us understand one another. Guard our words. Soften our hearts. Give us wisdom and help us make this right.”
That prayer changes the atmosphere because you have invited God into the disagreement.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Some couples say:
“We’ve never prayed together before.”
That’s all right.
Start now.
Don’t try to begin with thirty minutes.
Start with two or three minutes.
Perhaps hold hands.
One spouse can pray first and the other can finish.
Or one can pray today and the other tomorrow.
The important thing is not how long you pray.
The important thing is that you begin.
As praying together becomes more natural, your prayer life can grow.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
For the next seven days, pray together at least once each day.
Keep it simple.
Each day include these three things:
THANK GOD FOR SOMETHING.
ASK GOD FOR SOMETHING.
THANK GOD FOR YOUR SPOUSE.
Before you finish, each spouse should pray at least one sentence specifically for the other.
It may only take five minutes.
But those five minutes can become some of the most important minutes of your day.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask one another:
“What keeps us from praying together more often, and what can we change to make prayer a regular part of our marriage?”
Don’t concentrate on who is to blame.
Concentrate on what you can begin doing together.
REMEMBER THIS
Marriage was never designed to be lived independently of God.
When husband and wife pray together, they are saying:
“We cannot do this by ourselves.”
Prayer doesn’t mean you will never have problems.
Prayer means that when problems come, you know where to take them.
D — DEVOTE
Put Jesus Christ first in your marriage and your prayers.
A — ABIDE
Stay connected to Christ individually and together.
R — RESPECT
Pray for your spouse rather than using prayer against your spouse.
E — ENCOURAGE
Let your spouse hear you thank God for them.
FINAL THOUGHT
A husband and wife holding hands before God may still face storms, disappointments, and difficult seasons.
But they are no longer facing them as merely two people trying to survive.
They are turning together toward the One who can sustain them.
Couples who pray together learn to take their burdens to God together.
Hold your spouse’s hand.
Bow your heads.
Open your hearts.
Invite God into your marriage.
And remember:
Before you fight against each other, learn to pray for each other.
APPENDIX IV — THE LOCKS AND KEYS OF EFFECTIVE PRAYER
“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
James 5:16 KJV
PURPOSE
Prayer is one of God’s greatest gifts to the believer.
Yet the Bible teaches us that there are attitudes, actions, and conditions of the heart that can hinder our prayers.
Think of them as locks.
At the same time, Scripture gives us spiritual principles that help open the door to an effective prayer life.
Think of these as keys.
This is especially important in marriage because our relationship with our spouse and our relationship with God cannot simply be separated into two different compartments.
How we treat one another matters to God.
1. LOCK — UNCONFESSED SIN
Psalm 66:18 says:
“If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:”
Sin that we knowingly hold onto affects our fellowship with God.
The issue is not sinless perfection. Every believer fails.
The issue is whether we are willing to confess and forsake what God reveals to us.
KEY — CONFESSION
First John 1:9 says:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Before asking God to change your spouse, ask:
“Lord, is there something You need to change in me?”
Confession unlocks honesty before God.
2. LOCK — SELFISH PRAYING
James 4:3 says:
“Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”
Sometimes our prayers are centered entirely upon ourselves.
Even in marriage we can pray selfishly.
“Lord, make my spouse do what I want.”
But biblical prayer seeks more than our personal comfort.
KEY — GOD’S WILL
First John 5:14 says:
“And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:”
Effective prayer begins asking:
“Lord, what do You want?”
Not merely:
“Lord, give me what I want.”
3. LOCK — AN UNFORGIVING HEART
Jesus taught:
“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any…”
— Mark 11:25 KJV
Bitterness can become one of the most destructive forces in a marriage.
We cannot sincerely ask God for mercy while stubbornly refusing to extend forgiveness to someone else.
KEY — FORGIVENESS
Colossians 3:13 says:
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
Marriage gives us many opportunities to practice forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending something never hurt.
It means refusing to allow that hurt to control the future.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
A marriage cannot move forward very far while constantly dragging yesterday behind it.
4. LOCK — WRONG TREATMENT OF YOUR SPOUSE
This is one of Scripture’s strongest marriage warnings concerning prayer.
First Peter 3:7 says:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
Notice those final words:
“That your prayers be not hindered.”
God cares about how husbands and wives treat one another.
We cannot mistreat our spouse throughout the day and then imagine that it has no relationship to our spiritual life.
KEY — HONOR
Treat your spouse as someone valuable to God.
Listen.
Be gentle.
Show respect.
Seek reconciliation.
Give honor.
The person you married belongs to God before they belong to you.
5. LOCK — DOUBT
James 1:6 says:
“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering…”
Prayer without faith can become little more than religious words.
Faith does not mean believing that God must do exactly what we demand.
Faith means trusting that:
God hears.
God knows.
God cares.
God is able.
And God knows what is best.
KEY — FAITH
Jesus said:
“And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.”
— Matthew 21:22 KJV
Bring your marriage needs before God believing that nothing is too difficult for Him.
6. LOCK — PRIDE
Pride says:
“I don’t need help.”
“I’m not the problem.”
“They need to change.”
“I don’t need to apologize.”
But pride can lock the door to spiritual growth.
KEY — HUMILITY
Second Chronicles 7:14 begins:
“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray…”
Some of the most powerful words in marriage are:
“I was wrong.”
“Please forgive me.”
“I need your help.”
And before God:
“Lord, I need You.”
7. LOCK — GIVING UP TOO SOON
Sometimes we pray once or twice and nothing seems to happen.
So we stop.
But Jesus taught:
“Men ought always to pray, and not to faint;”
— Luke 18:1 KJV
Some answers come quickly.
Others require waiting.
KEY — PERSISTENCE
Keep praying for your marriage.
Keep praying for your spouse.
Keep praying for your children.
Keep praying for wisdom.
Keep praying when you see an answer.
And keep praying when you don’t.
God’s silence does not mean God’s absence.
THE LOCKS AND KEYS
LOCK: Unconfessed Sin
KEY: Confession
LOCK: Selfishness
KEY: Seeking God’s Will
LOCK: Unforgiveness
KEY: Forgiveness
LOCK: Dishonoring Your Spouse
KEY: Honor
LOCK: Doubt
KEY: Faith
LOCK: Pride
KEY: Humility
LOCK: Giving Up
KEY: Persistent Prayer
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Before husband and wife begin praying about everything they want God to do, take a moment and ask:
“Is there anything between us that needs to be made right?”
Perhaps an apology needs to be offered.
Perhaps forgiveness needs to be given.
Perhaps bitterness needs to be surrendered.
Perhaps a wrong attitude needs to be confessed.
Perhaps one spouse simply needs to say:
“I’m sorry.”
Never underestimate what God can do when two humble hearts become honest before Him.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
Sometime this week, sit down together and identify one lock that may be hindering your spiritual closeness.
Don’t identify your spouse’s lock.
Identify your own.
Then choose the corresponding key.
If the lock is bitterness—practice forgiveness.
If it is pride—humble yourself.
If it is sin—confess it.
If it is doubt—choose faith.
If it is neglect—begin praying again.
Then hold hands and pray together.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask one another:
“Is there anything between us that makes it difficult for us to pray together freely?”
Give your spouse permission to answer honestly.
Then ask:
“What can I do to help remove that barrier?”
The purpose isn’t to win an argument.
The purpose is to remove the lock.
REMEMBER THIS
Prayer is not a magic formula.
We do not manipulate God with the right combination of words.
Prayer is a relationship with our heavenly Father made possible through Jesus Christ.
The greatest “key” is not a technique.
The greatest key is a heart surrendered to God.
D — DEVOTE
Bring your heart completely before Christ.
A — ABIDE
Remain in Christ and allow His Word to shape your prayers.
R — RESPECT
Honor your spouse so that your marriage strengthens rather than hinders your prayer life.
E — ENCOURAGE
Become your spouse’s prayer partner rather than their critic.
FINAL THOUGHT
There may be doors in your marriage that human strength cannot open.
There may be problems you cannot solve.
There may be burdens you cannot carry.
There may be circumstances you cannot change.
But you can pray.
Don’t spend all your time shaking the lock when God has already given you the key.
Confess what is wrong.
Forgive what has hurt.
Humble your heart.
Honor your spouse.
Believe God’s Word.
Keep praying.
And together, place your marriage into the hands of the One who can do what neither of you can do alone.
Appendix 5
APPENDIX V — HOW TO PRAY FOR YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND
“Pray one for another.”
James 5:16 KJV
PURPOSE
One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband or wife costs nothing, requires no wrapping paper, and cannot be purchased in a store.
Pray for them.
It is easy to notice what we wish were different about our spouse. It is much better to take our concerns to God and ask Him to work in both of our hearts.
Prayer changes our perspective.
When you sincerely pray for your spouse, it becomes harder to continually criticize them, resent them, or concentrate only upon their weaknesses.
You begin seeing them differently.
You remember that they have burdens you may not fully understand, battles they may not talk about, responsibilities they carry, temptations they face, and spiritual needs only God can meet.
Your spouse needs more than your opinions.
Your spouse needs your prayers.
1. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
Before praying for finances, health, work, or circumstances, pray for your spouse’s walk with Christ.
Jesus said:
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
— Matthew 6:33 KJV
Pray that your spouse will:
- love Jesus Christ,
- hunger for God’s Word,
- develop a faithful prayer life,
- obey God’s direction,
- grow spiritually,
- and become more like Christ.
The greatest thing that can happen in your spouse’s life is not merely that circumstances improve.
It is that they grow closer to Jesus.
2. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S HEART
Proverbs 4:23 says:
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Pray for your spouse’s heart.
Ask God to protect them from bitterness, discouragement, pride, anger, jealousy, fear, and temptation.
Pray that God will fill their heart with:
love, joy, peace, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and faithfulness.
And while you are praying for their heart, allow God to examine yours.
A dangerous prayer would be:
“Lord, change my spouse.”
A better prayer is:
“Lord, work in both of us, and begin with me.”
3. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S MIND
Many of life’s greatest battles are fought in the mind.
Philippians 4:8 says:
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report… think on these things.”
Pray that God will guard your spouse’s thoughts.
Pray against:
- anxiety,
- discouragement,
- temptation,
- impure thoughts,
- negative thinking,
- hopelessness,
- and the lies of the enemy.
Pray that their thoughts will be anchored in the truth of God’s Word.
4. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S RESPONSIBILITIES
Your spouse carries responsibilities that can become heavy.
Your husband may carry pressures he doesn’t always discuss.
Your wife may carry emotional and practical burdens that are easy to overlook.
Galatians 6:2 says:
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”
Pray about your spouse’s:
work, decisions, responsibilities, relationships, ministry, parenting, finances, and daily pressures.
Then don’t merely pray about their burdens.
Ask whether you can help carry one.
5. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S PROTECTION
Jesus taught His disciples to pray:
“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…”
— Matthew 6:13 KJV
Every husband and every wife faces temptation.
Don’t assume:
“That could never happen to us.”
Pray for God’s protection over your marriage.
Pray for your spouse’s eyes.
Pray for their mind.
Pray for their relationships.
Pray for their decisions.
Pray for their integrity.
Pray that God will give them strength to recognize temptation and walk away from it.
And pray that both of you will guard the boundaries around your marriage.
6. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL NEEDS
Third John 2 says:
“Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health…”
Pray for your spouse’s physical well-being.
Pray when they are tired.
Pray when they are hurting.
Pray when they are under pressure.
Pray when they are discouraged.
Sometimes your spouse may say, “I’m fine,” while carrying something heavy inside.
Learn to pray beyond what you can see.
Ask God to minister to the places in your spouse’s heart that you cannot reach.
7. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE’S ROLE IN THE MARRIAGE
Scripture gives both husband and wife sacred responsibilities.
A husband should pray that God will help him love his wife as Christ loved the church:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”
— Ephesians 5:25 KJV
A wife should pray that God will help her honor and respect her husband:
“…and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
— Ephesians 5:33 KJV
But be careful.
Don’t use these verses to demand something from your spouse.
Use them to examine yourself.
The husband should ask:
“Am I loving sacrificially?”
The wife should ask:
“Am I showing biblical honor and respect?”
Prayer turns Scripture from a weapon pointed across the room into a mirror held before our own heart.
A HUSBAND’S PRAYER FOR HIS WIFE
Lord, thank You for the wife You have given me. Help her walk closely with You. Protect her heart and mind. Give her wisdom, strength, peace, and joy. Help me understand her, honor her, listen to her, encourage her, and love her as Christ loved the church. Show me where I need to change so that I can become the husband You have called me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
A WIFE’S PRAYER FOR HER HUSBAND
Lord, thank You for the husband You have given me. Help him walk closely with You. Give him wisdom for every responsibility he carries. Protect his heart, mind, eyes, and testimony. Strengthen him when he is tired and encourage him when he is discouraged. Help me love him, respect him, pray for him, and encourage him. Show me where I need to change so that I can become the wife You have called me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Try something different this week.
Instead of telling God everything that irritates you about your spouse, begin by thanking God for them.
Then pray specifically for their needs.
Ask:
What pressure is my spouse carrying?
What temptation might my spouse be facing?
Where does my spouse need encouragement?
What decision does my spouse need wisdom about?
How can I become part of God’s answer to my own prayer?
That last question is important.
Don’t pray:
“Lord, encourage my spouse,”
while you continually discourage them.
Don’t pray:
“Lord, give my spouse peace,”
while you continually create unnecessary conflict.
Don’t pray:
“Lord, help my spouse feel loved,”
while withholding affection.
Sometimes God answers our prayer by changing what we are willing to do.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
For the next seven days, pray specifically for your spouse every day.
Each day pray for one area:
DAY 1 — Their relationship with Christ
DAY 2 — Their heart and emotions
DAY 3 — Their thoughts and temptations
DAY 4 — Their work and responsibilities
DAY 5 — Their health and strength
DAY 6 — Their role in your marriage and family
DAY 7 — Their dreams, future, and God’s purpose for their life
Then tell your spouse:
“I prayed for you today.”
You don’t always have to tell them everything you prayed.
Sometimes simply knowing that the person beside them is carrying their name before God will be a tremendous encouragement.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask each other:
“What is the most important thing you would like me to pray about for you right now?”
Listen carefully.
Remember the answer.
And pray about it.
Don’t promise to pray and then forget.
REMEMBER THIS
Your spouse will have critics.
Your spouse will face pressures.
Your spouse will experience disappointments.
Your spouse will fight battles.
Your spouse may sometimes fail.
Make sure they always have someone praying for them.
And let that person be you.
D — DEVOTE
Pray that your spouse will love Jesus Christ above everything else.
A — ABIDE
Pray that both of you will remain close to Christ.
R — RESPECT
Pray for your spouse rather than constantly criticizing your spouse.
E — ENCOURAGE
Let your spouse know that you are faithfully carrying them before God.
FINAL THOUGHT
There will be places in your spouse’s life that you cannot go.
There will be problems you cannot solve.
There will be burdens you cannot remove.
There will be temptations you cannot fight for them.
There will be decisions you cannot make for them.
But you can pray.
When you cannot fix it—pray.
When you don’t understand it—pray.
When your spouse is struggling—pray.
When your marriage is strong—pray.
When your marriage is hurting—pray.
And when you don’t know what else to do—pray.
Before you complain about your spouse to someone else, talk to God about your spouse first.
Love them.
Encourage them.
Stand beside them.
And never stop praying for them.
Appendix 6
APPENDIX VI — HOW CAN I FIND PEACE WITH GOD?
“Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Romans 5:1 KJV
PURPOSE
We have talked about strengthening marriage, communicating, forgiving, praying, loving, and serving one another.
But there is something even more important than having peace in your marriage.
You must have peace with God.
A husband cannot save his wife.
A wife cannot save her husband.
Church membership cannot save you.
Baptism cannot save you.
Good works cannot save you.
Religion cannot save you.
Salvation comes only through Jesus Christ.
Before Christ can truly be at the center of our marriage, He must have His rightful place in our individual hearts.
1. RECOGNIZE OUR PROBLEM — SIN
The Bible plainly tells us:
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”
— Romans 3:23 KJV
Notice the word “all.”
That includes husbands.
That includes wives.
That includes pastors, church members, good neighbors, and respectable people.
Every one of us has sinned.
Sin is more than making mistakes. Sin is violating God’s holy standard.
And sin separates us from God.
Romans 6:23 says:
“For the wages of sin is death…”
Sin carries a terrible price.
We cannot solve that problem ourselves.
2. REALIZE THAT GOD LOVES YOU
The story does not end with our sin.
The wonderful message of the Gospel is that God loves sinners.
John 3:16 says:
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
God didn’t wait until we became good enough to love us.
Romans 5:8 says:
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
Think about those words:
“While we were yet sinners.”
Jesus Christ came for people who could not save themselves.
That means He came for you and me.
3. UNDERSTAND WHAT JESUS DID FOR YOU
Jesus Christ, the sinless Son of God, went to the cross and died in our place.
He took the judgment our sins deserved.
First Peter 2:24 says:
“Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree…”
He died.
He was buried.
And on the third day, He arose from the grave.
The Gospel is not merely good advice about becoming a better person.
The Gospel is good news about what Jesus has already done.
The price for our salvation was paid at Calvary.
4. REPENT AND TURN TO CHRIST
Jesus said:
“I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”
— Luke 5:32 KJV
Repentance involves a change of mind and heart concerning our sin and turning toward God.
It means we stop defending ourselves and agree with God:
“Lord, I am a sinner, and I need a Savior.”
Repentance isn’t cleaning yourself up enough so God will accept you.
You come to Christ because you cannot clean yourself up enough.
Come as you are.
But come willing for Christ to become Lord of your life.
5. PLACE YOUR FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST
Ephesians 2:8–9 says:
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
Not of works, lest any man should boast.”
Salvation is a gift.
You cannot earn it.
You cannot purchase it.
You cannot deserve it.
You receive it by faith.
Acts 16:31 says:
“Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…”
Saving faith is more than believing facts about Jesus.
It is placing the weight of your eternal soul upon Jesus Christ and what He accomplished for you.
6. CALL UPON THE LORD
Romans 10:9 says:
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
And Romans 10:13 gives this wonderful promise:
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
Notice:
WHOSOEVER.
That means salvation is available to you.
No matter where you have been.
No matter what you have done.
No matter how badly you have failed.
Jesus Christ saves those who come to Him in repentance and faith.
YOU CAN CALL UPON CHRIST TODAY
There are no magical words that save a person. Salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
But if your heart is ready to turn to Him, you can sincerely pray something like this:
A PRAYER OF FAITH
Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I cannot save myself. I believe that You died on the cross for my sins and that You arose from the grave. I repent of my sin and place my faith in You alone. Forgive me, save me, and take control of my life. I receive You as my Lord and Savior. Thank You for loving me and saving me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Remember:
The prayer itself does not save you—Jesus does.
We are saved by placing our faith in Christ.
7. RECEIVE PEACE WITH GOD
Romans 5:1 says:
“Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:”
There is a difference between the peace of God and peace with God.
Peace with God means the separation caused by our sin has been dealt with through Jesus Christ.
We have been reconciled to God.
We have been forgiven.
We have been justified.
We have become His.
And when we belong to Christ, we can begin experiencing the peace of God in everyday life.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR OUR MARRIAGE?
You can learn communication techniques.
You can go on dates.
You can study marriage books.
You can learn conflict-resolution skills.
All of those things may help.
But none of them can take the place of Jesus Christ.
A Christ-centered marriage begins with people who have personally come to Christ.
And when both husband and wife belong to Him, they can begin asking:
“Lord, how do You want us to live?”
Instead of merely trying to get closer to each other, begin by getting closer to Christ.
As He changes your heart, He changes the way you love.
He changes the way you forgive.
He changes the way you speak.
He changes the way you serve.
He changes the way you see your spouse.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
This challenge is different from all the others.
Examine your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Don’t ask:
“Is my spouse saved?”
First ask:
“Do I personally know Jesus Christ as my Savior?”
Have you recognized that you are a sinner?
Have you trusted Christ rather than your own goodness?
Have you personally received Him by faith?
Do you have peace with God?
If you are uncertain, don’t ignore that uncertainty.
Talk with your pastor or another mature Christian who can open the Bible and show you clearly how to know Christ.
Nothing in this entire marriage study is more important than this.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask one another:
“Can you tell me about the time when you personally trusted Jesus Christ as your Savior?”
Share your testimonies.
Tell each other what Christ has done in your lives.
If one of you cannot answer that question, don’t criticize or pressure.
Love them.
Pray for them.
Open God’s Word together.
And point them lovingly toward Jesus.
THE ROMANS ROAD
Here is a simple way to remember God’s plan of salvation:
OUR SIN
Romans 3:23
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”
SIN’S PENALTY
Romans 6:23
“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
GOD’S LOVE
Romans 5:8
“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
OUR RESPONSE
Romans 10:9
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
GOD’S PROMISE
Romans 10:13
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
REMEMBER THIS
The greatest decision you will ever make isn’t whom you will marry.
It isn’t where you will live.
It isn’t what career you will choose.
The greatest decision concerns what you will do with Jesus Christ.
Your marriage is for this lifetime.
Your relationship with Christ concerns eternity.
D — DEVOTE
Give your life completely to Jesus Christ.
A — ABIDE
Walk with Christ every day.
R — RESPECT
Allow Christ to change how you treat the person you married.
E — ENCOURAGE
Help your spouse and family follow Jesus faithfully.
FINAL THOUGHT
You may have picked up this study because you wanted a better marriage.
But perhaps God has used it to show you that your greatest need is something deeper.
You need peace with God.
And that peace has a name:
JESUS CHRIST.
He died for you.
He arose for you.
He loves you.
He invites you to come.
And His promise still stands:
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
— Romans 10:13 KJV
Before you build a Christ-centered marriage, make certain that you personally know the Christ who belongs at its center.
Appendix 7
APPENDIX VII — OVERCOMING PORNOGRAPHY
“I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes.”
Psalm 101:3 KJV
PURPOSE
Pornography promises pleasure, but it can produce bondage.
It can distort God’s design for sexuality, create unrealistic expectations, encourage secrecy, damage trust, and bring another influence into the intimacy that God intended to belong within marriage.
Jesus takes the purity of the heart seriously:
“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
— Matthew 5:28 KJV
This appendix is not about condemning someone who is struggling.
It is about saying:
You do not have to keep living in secrecy and defeat.
Through repentance, truth, wise boundaries, accountability, and dependence upon Jesus Christ, there is hope for a different direction.
1. CALL IT WHAT GOD CALLS IT
Freedom begins with honesty.
We sometimes soften sin by changing its name.
We call it:
“Just looking.”
“Entertainment.”
“A bad habit.”
“Something everybody does.”
But if something produces lust, dishonesty, secrecy, or unfaithfulness of heart, we need to be willing to see it through the truth of Scripture.
First John 1:9 says:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Confession means we stop hiding from God.
God cannot be shocked by what He already knows.
Bring it into the light.
2. UNDERSTAND WHAT PORNOGRAPHY DOES
Pornography is not harmless simply because no physical affair has taken place.
It trains the mind to separate sexuality from covenant love.
It can teach a person to view others as objects rather than people created in the image of God.
It can create comparison.
It can produce dissatisfaction.
It can encourage secrecy.
And secrecy begins building walls between husband and wife.
God’s design for marriage is different.
Hebrews 13:4 says:
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…”
Sexual intimacy was God’s idea.
It is not dirty or shameful within His design.
The answer to counterfeit sexuality is not rejecting God’s gift—it is returning sexuality to God’s design.
3. GUARD YOUR EYES
Job said:
“I made a covenant with mine eyes…”
— Job 31:1 KJV
Freedom requires intentional choices.
You cannot continually feed temptation and expect temptation to become weaker.
Ask yourself:
What am I allowing before my eyes?
What websites am I visiting?
What accounts am I following?
What movies or programs stir wrong desires?
What situations make temptation stronger?
Don’t simply pray:
“Lord, keep me from temptation,”
and then repeatedly walk straight toward it.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
Sometimes victory begins by closing a door you should never have opened.
4. REMOVE EASY ACCESS
Jesus used very strong language about dealing seriously with temptation:
“And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee…”
— Matthew 5:29 KJV
Jesus was emphasizing the seriousness with which sin should be confronted.
That means practical action may be necessary.
Remove saved material.
Unfollow accounts.
Change online habits.
Use appropriate content filters.
Move devices out of isolated places.
Avoid situations that repeatedly lead to failure.
Establish healthy boundaries.
Don’t preserve convenient access to the very thing you are asking God to help you overcome.
5. BREAK THE POWER OF SECRECY
Pornography often grows in darkness.
The person struggling may think:
“Nobody can ever know.”
But secrecy gives temptation somewhere to hide.
James 5:16 says:
“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.”
Depending upon the circumstances, wise accountability with a mature, trustworthy Christian can be extremely valuable.
The goal is not humiliation.
The goal is truth, prayer, accountability, and restoration.
If pornography has seriously damaged the marriage, pastoral or qualified professional counseling may also be helpful.
Asking for help is not surrendering the battle—it is bringing reinforcements into it.
6. RENEW YOUR MIND
Removing pornography is important.
But something must replace the thoughts and habits it occupied.
Romans 12:2 says:
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…”
Fill your mind with God’s Word.
Develop healthier routines.
Spend meaningful time with your spouse.
Pray.
Serve.
Exercise appropriate self-discipline.
Avoid long periods of unnecessary isolation when you know they increase temptation.
Philippians 4:8 tells us to think upon things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report.
Don’t merely empty your mind of the wrong thing—fill it with the right things.
7. LEARN TO FLEE
Second Timothy 2:22 says:
“Flee also youthful lusts…”
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is leave.
Joseph did not stand around negotiating with temptation.
When Potiphar’s wife tempted him:
“…he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.”
— Genesis 39:12 KJV
There are temptations you don’t debate.
You don’t study them.
You don’t see how close you can get.
You run.
Know your triggers.
Recognize the first step toward temptation.
Then interrupt the pattern before it develops.
8. RESTORE TRUST PATIENTLY
When pornography has been hidden from a spouse, the discovery can cause deep hurt.
The offending spouse may want everything restored immediately.
But trust that was damaged over time may require time to rebuild.
Don’t demand:
“Why can’t you just get over it?”
Instead:
Be truthful.
Be transparent.
Keep your promises.
Accept appropriate accountability.
Answer reasonable questions honestly.
Demonstrate change consistently.
Trust is rebuilt through truth practiced over time.
The wounded spouse should also be given room to process what has happened without being blamed for the other person’s choices.
9. DON’T BLAME YOUR SPOUSE
Pornography use is not justified because:
“My spouse isn’t affectionate enough.”
“We aren’t intimate enough.”
“My spouse doesn’t understand me.”
Marriage problems should be addressed honestly, but sin must not be blamed on someone else.
Each person is responsible before God for their own choices.
James 1:14 says:
“But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.”
Taking responsibility is an important step toward freedom.
10. REMEMBER THAT FAILURE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE FINAL
The enemy wants a person who falls to believe:
“I’ll never change.”
“God is finished with me.”
“There’s no hope.”
But Scripture says:
“For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again…”
— Proverbs 24:16 KJV
This does not excuse repeated sin.
It reminds us not to turn a failure into permission to completely surrender.
If you stumble:
Confess it.
Identify what happened.
Strengthen the boundary that failed.
Seek help.
Get back up.
And keep walking toward Christ.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
If pornography is affecting your marriage, this is not the time for pretending.
Bring the problem into the light.
The spouse who has struggled should accept responsibility without excuses.
The wounded spouse should be allowed to express hurt honestly.
Both should seek God’s wisdom concerning the path forward.
Forgiveness may be offered while trust is still being rebuilt.
Those are not contradictions.
Forgiveness can be given in a moment; rebuilding trust may require consistent faithfulness over time.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
Take an honest inventory of the doors through which sexual temptation can enter your life.
Ask:
What do I need to stop viewing?
What access needs to be removed?
Where do I need greater accountability?
What situations make me vulnerable?
What truth from God’s Word should replace the lie I have been believing?
Then take at least one concrete action today.
Don’t merely say:
“I need to do better.”
Change something.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
In an appropriate and respectful setting, ask:
“Are there any boundaries we need to strengthen to protect the purity, trust, and intimacy of our marriage?”
This conversation should not become an interrogation.
The purpose is to establish a shared conviction:
“Our marriage is worth protecting.”
WHEN THE STRUGGLE FEELS TOO STRONG
Some patterns become deeply entrenched and difficult to break alone.
If repeated attempts to stop have failed, seek additional help.
Talk with a trusted pastor, mature Christian mentor, or qualified counselor experienced in sexual-behavior concerns.
Install safeguards.
Develop accountability.
Address underlying emotional or relational issues.
And keep bringing the struggle before God.
Galatians 6:2 says:
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”
You were never commanded to fight every battle alone.
REMEMBER THIS
Pornography offers an imitation of intimacy while often destroying the very intimacy it promises.
God offers something better.
Truth instead of secrecy.
Purity instead of lust.
Covenant instead of fantasy.
Giving instead of using.
Faithfulness instead of betrayal.
Freedom instead of bondage.
D — DEVOTE
Give your eyes, mind, body, and desires to Christ.
A — ABIDE
Stay close to Christ and continually renew your mind through His Word.
R — RESPECT
Honor your spouse rather than comparing them with an artificial image.
E — ENCOURAGE
Build a marriage where honesty, grace, accountability, and restoration are possible.
FINAL THOUGHT
The question is not simply:
“How close can I get to temptation without falling?”
Ask instead:
“How can I honor Christ and protect the person I promised to love?”
Your eyes matter.
Your thoughts matter.
Your private choices matter.
Your marriage matters.
And above everything else:
Your walk with Jesus Christ matters.
Don’t feed what is destroying you.
Don’t protect what is hurting your marriage.
Don’t hide what needs to come into the light.
Confess it.
Remove it.
Replace it.
Guard against it.
Get help when you need it.
And keep walking with Christ.
You don’t overcome darkness by learning to live comfortably in it. You overcome it by walking in the light.
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another…”— 1 John 1:7 KJV
Appendix 8
APPENDIX VIII — SEVEN STEPS TO BETTER SEX
“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled.”
Hebrews 13:4 KJV
PURPOSE
God created marriage.
God created the husband and wife relationship.
And God created physical intimacy to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage.
The world has distorted sexuality in many ways, but the answer is not to treat marital intimacy as something dirty or embarrassing.
We need to return it to God’s design.
Genesis 2:24 says:
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
Those words—“one flesh”—describe more than a physical relationship.
Marriage joins two lives.
There is spiritual intimacy.
Emotional intimacy.
Relational intimacy.
And physical intimacy.
When these areas are nurtured together, husband and wife can experience the closeness God intended.
STEP 1 — PUT CHRIST FIRST
The best place to begin improving any part of marriage is not the bedroom.
It is with Jesus Christ.
When Christ changes our hearts, He changes the way we treat our spouse.
Selfishness begins giving way to service.
Pride gives way to humility.
Bitterness gives way to forgiveness.
Taking gives way to giving.
Philippians 2:3 says:
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
The question changes from:
“What am I getting?”
to:
“How can I lovingly care for my spouse?”
STEP 2 — BUILD INTIMACY OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM
Physical intimacy does not begin with physical touch alone.
It grows through the entire relationship.
A kind word matters.
A thoughtful gesture matters.
Holding hands matters.
Listening matters.
Helping around the house matters.
Affection matters.
Laughter matters.
Time together matters.
A husband or wife who feels ignored, criticized, unappreciated, or emotionally disconnected may have difficulty suddenly feeling close physically.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
What happens between husband and wife throughout the day often affects what happens when the day is over.
STEP 3 — COMMUNICATE OPENLY AND KINDLY
Your spouse cannot read your mind.
Healthy married couples learn to talk respectfully about intimacy.
First Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love:
“Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own…”
Talk about:
What helps you feel loved?
What helps you feel close?
What makes you uncomfortable?
What concerns do you have?
What do you need emotionally?
These conversations require tenderness.
Never ridicule your spouse.
Never embarrass them.
Never use private information against them later.
Intimacy grows where emotional safety exists.
STEP 4 — PRACTICE MUTUAL CARE
Biblical intimacy is not about one spouse selfishly demanding satisfaction from the other.
First Corinthians 7:3 says:
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”
Notice the mutuality.
The husband cares about his wife.
The wife cares about her husband.
Marriage intimacy should express love, tenderness, affection, consideration, and mutual willingness.
Your spouse is not an object.
Your spouse is a person whom God has commanded you to love and honor.
Biblical intimacy asks, “How can I express love?” rather than merely, “What can I receive?”
STEP 5 — REMOVE BITTERNESS AND UNRESOLVED CONFLICT
Unresolved hurt can build an invisible wall between husband and wife.
Ephesians 4:26 says:
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
Sometimes physical problems in marriage are connected to emotional wounds that have never been addressed.
If necessary:
Talk about the hurt.
Apologize sincerely.
Forgive biblically.
Rebuild trust.
Seek help when necessary.
Colossians 3:13 says:
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another… even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
Don’t expect intimacy to flourish while resentment is continually being watered.
STEP 6 — PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM COMPARISON
Comparison is an enemy of contentment.
Pornography, social media, entertainment, past relationships, and unrealistic expectations can create distorted ideas about intimacy.
Your spouse should never feel that they are competing against an image, fantasy, memory, or another person.
Proverbs 5:18 says:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.”
Notice that word:
“Rejoice.”
God’s instruction is not to compare your spouse.
It is to cherish them.
Protect your eyes.
Protect your thoughts.
Protect your marriage.
And cultivate gratitude for the person God has placed beside you.
STEP 7 — KEEP PURSUING ONE ANOTHER
One of the dangers of a long marriage is taking one another for granted.
Remember when you were dating?
You planned time together.
You dressed up.
You talked.
You laughed.
You looked forward to seeing each other.
Marriage should not mean that pursuit ends.
Keep dating your spouse.
Give compliments.
Hold hands.
Plan time alone.
Be affectionate without expecting every expression of affection to lead somewhere else.
Surprise one another.
Laugh together.
Make memories.
Keep saying:
“I love you.”
And more importantly:
Keep showing it.
WHEN HUSBAND AND WIFE HAVE DIFFERENT NEEDS
Husbands and wives will not always experience desire in exactly the same way or at exactly the same time.
That does not mean something is necessarily wrong.
It means communication, patience, tenderness, and understanding are important.
Never use:
pressure,
guilt,
anger,
manipulation,
or spiritual language
to force intimacy.
Biblical love:
“Seeketh not her own.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:5 KJV
Physical intimacy should never be coerced. Mutual care and willing participation are essential.
If physical pain, medication, hormonal changes, exhaustion, trauma, or other concerns are affecting intimacy, it may also be wise to speak privately with an appropriate medical professional or qualified counselor.
Seeking help is not admitting your marriage has failed. It is recognizing that your marriage is worth caring for.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Ask yourself:
HUSBAND:
Does my wife feel cherished by me outside physical intimacy?
Do I listen to her?
Do I help carry her burdens?
Do I express affection?
Do I make her feel beautiful and valued?
Do I demonstrate love when I am not asking for anything?
WIFE:
Does my husband feel loved, wanted, respected, and valued by me?
Do I encourage him?
Do I express affection?
Do I communicate openly rather than expecting him to guess?
Do I recognize that physical closeness may be one of the ways he experiences marital connection?
BOTH:
Are we serving one another—or merely keeping score?
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
This week, plan some intentional time together.
It does not have to cost much money.
Take a walk.
Have dinner together.
Sit on the porch.
Turn the phones off.
Talk.
Hold hands.
Laugh.
Remember something from your dating days.
Then each spouse should finish this sentence:
“I feel closest to you when…”
Listen carefully to the answer.
Your spouse may teach you something about how to love them better.
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask one another privately:
“Is there anything I could do differently that would help you feel more loved, safe, cherished, and connected to me?”
Listen without becoming defensive.
The purpose isn’t criticism.
The purpose is greater intimacy.
REMEMBER THE SEVEN STEPS
1. PUT CHRIST FIRST
Let Jesus govern every part of your marriage.
2. BUILD INTIMACY OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM
Emotional closeness strengthens physical closeness.
3. COMMUNICATE OPENLY
Talk honestly, gently, and respectfully.
4. PRACTICE MUTUAL CARE
Seek your spouse’s good, not merely your own desires.
5. REMOVE BITTERNESS
Don’t allow unresolved hurt to build walls.
6. REFUSE COMPARISON
Cherish the spouse God has given you.
7. KEEP PURSUING EACH OTHER
Never stop dating, touching, talking, laughing, and loving.
THE D.A.R.E. CONNECTION
D — DEVOTE
Put Jesus Christ first—even in the intimate areas of marriage.
A — ABIDE
Stay close to Christ so His love shapes the way you love your spouse.
R — RESPECT
Honor your spouse’s heart, body, feelings, needs, and boundaries.
E — ENCOURAGE
Create an atmosphere where your spouse feels loved, wanted, cherished, and secure.
FINAL THOUGHT
Sex was not Hollywood’s idea.
It was not the world’s idea.
It was God’s idea.
And God placed it inside the safety and commitment of marriage.
The world says:
“Take what satisfies you.”
Biblical love says:
“Give yourself faithfully to the person you have covenanted to love.”
So protect your marriage.
Talk with one another.
Forgive one another.
Cherish one another.
Be patient with one another.
Keep pursuing one another.
And never forget that the deepest intimacy grows when two people are becoming one while both are drawing closer to Christ.
“And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.”
— Mark 10:8 KJV
**Don’t merely share a house.
Share your hearts.
Share your burdens.
Share your prayers.
Share your lives.**
And cherish the beautiful covenant God has given you.
Appendix 9
APPENDIX IX — THE WORD OF GOD IN MY LIFE
“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”
Psalm 119:105 KJV
PURPOSE
Throughout the D.A.R.E. journey we have talked about building a marriage that honors Jesus Christ.
But when the questions come, where do we find our answers?
When the road becomes dark, where do we find direction?
When husband and wife disagree, what becomes our final authority?
When the culture changes, where do we find an unchanging standard?
We go to the Word of God.
Feelings change.
Opinions change.
Culture changes.
Circumstances change.
But Jesus said:
“Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.”
— Matthew 24:35 KJV
A Christ-centered marriage must become a Bible-centered marriage.
1. READ THE WORD
Second Timothy 3:16 says:
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”
The Bible is not merely another good book.
It is God’s Word.
If we want to know how God designed life, marriage, family, forgiveness, purity, love, and relationships to work, we must listen to the One who designed them.
Make Scripture part of your daily life.
You don’t have to begin by reading ten chapters every morning.
Begin somewhere.
Read a chapter.
Read several verses.
Read a Psalm together.
Read through a New Testament book.
The important thing is to open the Bible and let God speak through His Word.
2. RECEIVE THE WORD
It is possible to read Scripture without allowing Scripture to change us.
James 1:21 says:
“Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.”
Notice the expression:
“Receive with meekness.”
That means approaching Scripture with humility.
Instead of asking:
“How does this verse apply to my spouse?”
begin with:
“Lord, what are You saying to me?”
Don’t use the Bible merely to correct your husband.
Don’t use Scripture merely to straighten out your wife.
Let God’s Word first search your own heart.
3. STUDY THE WORD
Second Timothy 2:15 says:
“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
We need more than occasional contact with Scripture.
We need to learn it.
Study what God says about:
- love,
- marriage,
- forgiveness,
- communication,
- faithfulness,
- purity,
- finances,
- parenting,
- prayer,
- service,
- and our walk with Christ.
When you don’t know what God says, you will be tempted to let culture tell you what to believe.
D.A.R.E. TRUTH:
If God’s Word does not shape our view of marriage, the world gladly will.
4. OBEY THE WORD
Knowing Scripture is not the same as obeying Scripture.
James 1:22 says:
“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”
You can know that Scripture says to forgive and still hold a grudge.
You can know that husbands should love their wives and still act selfishly.
You can know that wives should respect their husbands and still speak disrespectfully.
You can know what the Bible says about purity and still entertain temptation.
The blessing comes when truth moves from our Bible into our behavior.
Ask yourself:
“What am I going to do differently because of what God has shown me?”
5. STORE THE WORD IN YOUR HEART
Psalm 119:11 says:
“Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.”
There will be times when you need God’s Word and your Bible may not immediately be in your hand.
That is why Scripture should be stored in your heart.
Memorize verses together.
Start with passages that strengthen your marriage.
For example:
WHEN YOU NEED LOVE
1 Corinthians 13:4–7
WHEN YOU NEED FORGIVENESS
Colossians 3:13
WHEN YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR WORDS
Ephesians 4:29
WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY
Ephesians 4:26–27
WHEN YOU ARE WORRIED
Philippians 4:6–7
WHEN YOU NEED DIRECTION
Proverbs 3:5–6
WHEN YOU NEED STRENGTH
Philippians 4:13
Fill your heart with Scripture before the crisis comes.
6. LET THE WORD GUIDE YOUR MARRIAGE
Psalm 119:105 says:
“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”
A lamp does not necessarily show you every mile of the journey at once.
It gives enough light to take the next step.
There will be times in marriage when you don’t know what comes next.
A job may change.
Finances may become difficult.
Children may struggle.
Health may decline.
Plans may change.
You may face a decision you never expected to make.
When you cannot see very far down the road:
Walk in the light God has already given you.
Do what Scripture clearly says.
Trust God with what you cannot see.
7. BUILD YOUR HOME UPON THE WORD
Jesus concluded the Sermon on the Mount with a picture of two houses.
One was built upon rock.
The other was built upon sand.
Matthew 7:24 says:
“Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:”
Both houses faced storms.
The difference was not whether storms came.
The difference was the foundation.
A Christian marriage is not promised a storm-free life.
But it can have a stormproof foundation.
When the winds blow…
When disappointment comes…
When money gets tight…
When sickness enters…
When feelings fluctuate…
When temptation appears…
When life doesn’t go according to plan…
Build on the Rock.
THE BIBLE AND YOUR D.A.R.E. MARRIAGE
The principles we have learned throughout this study must ultimately come back to Scripture.
D — DEVOTE
“And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength…”
— Mark 12:30 KJV
Put Jesus Christ first.
A — ABIDE
“Abide in me, and I in you.”
— John 15:4 KJV
Remain connected to Christ.
R — RESPECT
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
— Ephesians 5:21 KJV
Honor one another as followers of Christ.
E — ENCOURAGE
“Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another…”
— 1 Thessalonians 5:11 KJV
Build one another up.
MARRIAGE APPLICATION
Here is a simple habit that can make a tremendous difference.
READ — TALK — PRAY
READ
Read a short passage of Scripture together.
TALK
Ask:
“What is God showing us?”
PRAY
Ask God to help you live what you have just read.
It doesn’t have to take an hour.
Sometimes ten faithful minutes can begin changing the spiritual atmosphere of a home.
THE D.A.R.E. CHALLENGE
Choose one verse that speaks directly to something your marriage needs right now.
Write it down.
Put it somewhere you will see it.
Read it together each day.
Memorize it.
Pray it.
And most importantly:
Live it.
At the end of the week ask:
“How would our marriage change if we consistently practiced this Scripture?”
COUPLE’S DISCUSSION QUESTION
Ask each other:
“What can we do to make God’s Word a greater part of our everyday marriage?”
Maybe you begin reading together.
Maybe you establish family devotions.
Maybe you memorize Scripture.
Maybe you discuss Sunday’s sermon.
Maybe you begin studying a book of the Bible together.
Don’t simply talk about it.
Choose one thing and begin.
REMEMBER THIS
Your marriage does not need another foundation invented by the world.
God has already given you one.
His Word.
When you don’t know what to believe—
Go to the Word.
When you don’t know what to do—
Go to the Word.
When your heart is hurting—
Go to the Word.
When temptation comes—
Go to the Word.
When your marriage needs direction—
Go to the Word.
When you need hope—
Go to the Word.
FINAL D.A.R.E. THOUGHT
The lessons may end.
The workbook may eventually be placed on a shelf.
The forty days may be completed.
The class may finish.
But your Love Journey is not over.
Keep DEVOTING yourselves to Jesus Christ.
Keep ABIDING in Him.
Keep RESPECTING one another.
Keep ENCOURAGING one another.
Keep praying.
Keep forgiving.
Keep communicating.
Keep protecting your marriage.
Keep pursuing one another.
And above everything else:
KEEP BUILDING YOUR HOME UPON THE WORD OF GOD.
Joshua declared:
“…but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”
— Joshua 24:15 KJV
Let that become the testimony of your marriage.
“As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”
Not merely for forty days.
Not merely while attending a marriage study.
Not merely while everything is going well.
But for the rest of our lives.
One Lord.
One covenant.
One journey.
One foundation—the Word of God.
D.A.R.E. TO BUILD THE MARRIAGE GOD DESIGNED.
